


The Wayne Family Emergency Manual

by SalParadiseLost



Series: The Wayne Family Emergency Manual [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Fluff, Gen, Good Brother Jason Todd, He makes a book of protocols, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd-centric, Protective Dick Grayson, Sibling Bonding, he's getting there at least, no beta we die like robins, to protect his siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28584405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalParadiseLost/pseuds/SalParadiseLost
Summary: Jason, the boy brought back to life, should have known better than anyone that the key to being part of a vigilante family was to be prepared for anything.And at this point, he thought he was prepared for anything.But fate laughs in the face of assumptions and all that, so he was surprised when Tim gave him the “Wayne Family Emergency Manual” and told them that they now had protocols for all the weird shit that happens in their lives.Which sounds reasonable… but some of these protocols were just damn weird.Like this one ‘what to do if they were suddenly being impersonated by bad guys’.And what had Dick named it…The Dildo Protocol.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & His Last Shred of Sanity, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Series: The Wayne Family Emergency Manual [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2094495
Comments: 29
Kudos: 549





	The Wayne Family Emergency Manual

“… and you guys just let him name it that?” Jason said as he read the words ‘the Dildo Protocol’ again. He half expected that he had imagined them. But, sure enough, they were still there, in Bruce’s aggressively formal black font, as if they weren’t something completely ridiculous masquerading as something totally normal.

Tim shrugged, hardly looking up from the computer screen. “We didn’t _let_ him name anything. We’re smarter than that, but he said it and it sort of just stuck.”

Jason tried to give Tim a long, disbelieving look, but the nerd didn’t meet his eyes. They had all accepted it then. They had really let Dick get away with this terrible pun.

A headache reared behind his temples and he took a deep breath. All at once, he remembered what being part of this family was like and why he had been so wary to come back in the first place.

“Look, Replacement, I said I would help out the bats occasionally. This ain’t some kind of big reunion. All I want is to get some info and get patched up every once in a while. Not…” he trailed off as he looked down. He had been in the Batcave for all of ten minutes before the kid had slapped the binder into his hands. The front had the words ‘The Wayne Family Emergency Manual’ written in elegant bubble letters and glitter. Jason was torn between being disgusted and being slightly impressed by the penmanship. “… homework. Like hell, I’m wasting my time reading all of these protocols.”

The smaller boy stopped typing and actually turned around to face him. His eyes flickered to the binder with an expression that might have been pity if he didn’t look so damn smug about it.

“I thought you liked reading?” Tim said innocently, and Jason had to use all his self-restraint skills not to whack the kid. Smartass.

“Yeah, I like reading Bronte. Not a fucking family manual. Why do we even need these?”

Tim’s face sobered and, for a brief second, Jason saw his eyes flicker to his ragged, bloody Robin uniform. The same uniform that he had died in.

“After you came back, Dick insisted that we all have protocols on how to contact the family if we ever got separated and eventually it just transpired from there.” Tim was quiet for a moment before he added, “Dick never wanted what happened to you to happen again. That’s why the first one is the Jason Protocol— what we will do if someone dies and is suddenly brought back to life.”

Jason had to suppress the shudder that ran through his body. His death and his furious return wasn’t something they talked about, except if Jason himself brought it up in a joke. He could still see it, though, the way it weighed on the family like an invisible ghost clinging on their backs.

A ravenous part of him relished that. Let them feel it. Let them have a small piece of the pain of getting beaten to death and blown up. They all fucking deserved it. None of them had saved him from feeling all of it.

But another part of him realised that giving his pain away didn’t make him feel it any less. It just spread it around like a disease. 

“Oh, that reminds me,” Tim said, starting Jason out of his own head, “we need to put your subsection of that in.”

“What, you already planning on me dying again?” Jason snapped, and he felt the familiar green curl of anger rise in his stomach. His hands tightened on the binder, crinkling the pages.

The replacement just rolled his eyes, though there was some tension in his shoulders. Good. The kid was smart to still be cautious around him. “No, it’s just protocol.” He stated simply as if Jason was just some newbie in the workplace instead of a highly trained, bloodthirsty killer.

He glared, but the anger didn’t rise anymore and he was able to release it with a sigh. “Fine. Write that I’ll text Dickhead ‘I lived bitch’ and send him a selfie.”

Tim blinked. “Really?”

“Why the hell not?”

They got caught in a staring contest. Tim’s face was twisted in a way that Jason might have called cute if the kid wasn’t so much of a pain in his side. He was obviously trying to figure out whether Jason was serious or not, and he didn’t know him well enough to know his cues.

Jason though was dead serious, and way too practiced through glaring at Bruce to lose this fight.

“Okay,” Tim ground out like it physically hurt him, “but I’m putting down that you’re calling Dick, not that other stuff.”

“Nope,” Jason popped the ‘p’ on the word. “I’m the namesake to the stupid protocol. I get to decide what mine says and I want you to write ‘I lived bitch’ exactly as I said.”

“But that’s not professional.” Tim insisted. There was a hint of a teenage whine in his voice.

“Timbo, you have a chapter named ‘The Dildo Protocol’, and your title sparkles. I think that we are way past the point of professionalism.”

The replacement gave him another unhappy look but relented. He brought up the document on his computer and added Jason’s subsection in. He still looked unhappy as he printed the pages to be added into everyone’s binder.

“Bruce isn’t going to like it,” he said as if Jason would give a damn about what Bruce thought about it.

“That’s kind of the point. Anything to get a rise out of the old man.” Jason said with a smirk. He was already looking forward to the face B would make.

Tim seemed like he was torn between laughing and maintaining what little professionalism he had left. “You’re impossible,” he said finally as he snapped the binder’s ring shut around the new page.

When Tim was done, he turned back to the computer and began typing away again.

Jason couldn’t help smiling to himself when he was sure that the kid couldn’t see it. A small, fragile warmth was in his chest, and he stubbornly ignored what it meant.

He was just about to turn, already thinking about the waffles that he planned on annoying Alfred into making him. (He could do it himself, but Alfred’s waffles always tasted magically better.)

Tim’s voice stopped him, right before he made it through the Batcave door and into the main manor. “You better read the manual too. Dick’s going to give you a pop quiz within the next two weeks. I’m not supposed to tell you, but I don’t want you to punch him when he inevitably springs out of nowhere to give it to you.”

Goddammit. He had fully intended to toss this thing into a fire when he had free time, but Dick's disappointment was a more potent threat than he'd like to admit.

Jason looked down at the binder in his hands. The glittery title seemed to sneer back at him and his eyes caught on the word ‘family’. Had he really, _willingly_ signed himself up for this again?

“I might still punch him just for the hell of it,” he said and heard a snort from his little brother behind him.

“Can I be there to film it?” he said and Jason gave his own chuckle.

“Sure, baby bird, we will make sure to post it on YouTube after.”

That little warmth inside him flickered into a flame and he didn’t want to put it into words, but he knew that it was what made him sign up for this.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a quick story that I just had to type up because I thought it was hilarious. 
> 
> There is going to be a second, much longer story added to this series that outlines a time when the Dildo Protocol is implemented. That is forecoming though, so be sure to follow the series if you are interested. >:)
> 
> I'm also open to requests, so if you have a good idea for a protocol to be added into the manual, drop a line and shoot me a message on my tumblr at [ SalParadiseLost ](https://salparadiselost.tumblr.com) .
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please leave a kudos and comment!!


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